From the beginning, I knew I was not really wanted. My birth was untimely for my parents and my father was an alcoholic. My mother miscarried six times after I was born; therefore, the family doctor suggested that I be sent away to live with someone else to make the home calmer so that my mother could carry a baby to term. I was sent to live with a widowed neighbor who had nine grown children. Peculiar, my mother thought later, how none of those children ever visited their mother. It turned out that this woman was a witch; she did strange things to me and had me do strange things to her and I was finally removed from her home when she cut off a neighbor's finger with a butcher knife over a border dispute.
Back home, my parents argued a lot and I felt the brunt of it. Burdened by the spiritual and sexual abuse I had known at the other lady's house, the physical and emotional mistreatment I constantly received at home, and the continual threat of my folks getting a divorce, I became a shy, sad, unattractive, dim-witted little girl. Christ was only mentioned in our home as a swear word and I was well aware where my parents wanted me to go when I died. Fear, bitterness and hatred became daily emotions.
Various learning disabilities manifested themselves in poor grades as I struggled to survive. Often, as I lay alone in my bed, I would converse in my head in an unknown language--a language of demons. Suicidal thoughts began to plague me. Blessedly, I believed I was too stupid to figure out just how to really commit suicide successfully. I anxiously wanted to be rescued from the frustrating and frightening circumstances in which I found myself. Unfortunately, I could see no such rescuer in my life.
But God, who is rich in mercy, was working all along in my life even though I could not see it. After having a booklet entitled The Four Spiritual Laws presented to me, I realized that I did not need to be rescued from my circumstances or the people who hurt me as much as I needed to be delivered from my sin--from me! I had done as much reading as I could on religious things and thought I was a fairly moral person. I even considered becoming a nun. I had joined a group called Voice of Christian Youth, so I thought I was a Christian. But through reading the Bible verses in the booklet, I realized that Jesus Christ came to rescue me from my sin and was asking to be at the center of my life not just something I joined. So, after much arguing with the Holy Spirit, I accepted Christ as my rescuer and Lord of my life.
I wish I could say that my life got better at that point, but things grew even more difficult. Suicidal thoughts still plagued me. I often felt that God didn't really love me, but that he had to forgive me due to his John 3:16 contract. I felt he had to honor it even if he didn't want me. So, I tried to earn God's love. God again was faithful to reveal my bitterness, and he delivered me from that sin when I confessed it to him and forgave the ones who abused me. Eventually, I was also delivered from the suicidal thoughts. My life has never been boring since Christ came into it. God is still working on me. He can do the same for you if you let him. I encourage you to read the message of The Four Spiritual Laws and give your life to Christ too. I am grateful everyday that God is able--able to rescue and use this broken life.
